MY FOUR SEASONS SYMPHONY

 

 

As you read, please play the video. This piece was my inspiration while writing the article.

Sitting in a cafe, sipping my black opium that I once called “coffee” and listening to Vivaldi I came to realize that my life feels like the Four Seasons symphony. A familiar melody that carries my disappointment and anger to swing along swiftly, driven at the beginning by the nice vibes of a reconciliation state of mind, to immediately mutate in a moment of denial, into fury, hunting all my senses, no matter how hard I try to cage it inside. A state usually ending by screaming and striking louder than an outraged lightning, orchestrating my motions into a coordinated waltz that I learned to perform, endure, and finally regret.

Like a cello, I let my strings be stroked over and over by my passionate irrational heart, moved by the tension of my emotions until one of them breaks. But I’m not a cello, I can’t replace my abusively used cords, I can’t reverse what I perpetually break, and unlike a cello I can’t easily recover from what I willingly damage.

Thrown in an ocean of feelings, where my rational and emotional self, continuously fights to take the lead, my rage is becoming unbearable, impossible to control or even to hide. My “O Fortuna” is so powerful, that it takes me one minute to unleash it, and what feels like ages to calm it down. Held prisoner in my own theater where my mind is this great maestro knowing exactly how to feed my anger, decreeing war so my whole being howls and cries, pouring the flames of hell on all those who dare challenge the Hades I long to be.

 The lonely Hades, who sees in hell the only decent and quiet place perfect for its conflicted mind to be free, for whom death had become life, and the lost souls the perfect companions doomed in a hollow place where their aches could easily be shared. Like the forgotten god and the unseen one, I prefer to be the monster that every living soul fears even to name, rather than the human they can all use and consume.

As the rightful ruler I aspire to be, I care about my underworld and rule it without mercy, a kingdom where only those inclined to respect my rules are welcome, and all those trying to ignore my code suffer my wrath, prepared or not to face my inferno. A reign that draws its power from my beating heart, routed and attached at my veins sucking all the good, just to stand still.

But, unlike Hades, the human part of me refuses to be a myth, feared and forgotten even by the loved ones. I refuse to let go of the beauty of this life, I choose to fight for the hidden pleasures and the joy that I abandon every time it occurs in my life. I fight not to lose my privileges to the other world, as hard as things can seem, truly believing that I deserve my little “Olympia”.

Therefore, here I am replaying, reviewing the Four Seasons symphony once more and realizing that this piece of music is more than one state of mind that I obediently engulf myself into. Going through the four concertos, I see in this masterpiece the beauty and the complexity of this life. Living is not a binary system consisting of being happy or not, it is about accepting and allowing yourself to live fully the four seasons of your life.

Be ready and not scared to be agitated, moody, and thrilling as “Inverno - winter” could be. Do not feel guilty for being enthusiastic, exciting, and low then up as “Autunno - autumn”. Then happy, enchanting, and enchanted, life inviting, warm, relaxed, and embracing all your colors as the sweet “primavera - spring”. Finally, never forget to always be revolted, unchained, and alerted to fight the next season, the next wave of cold and despair as “Estate - summer” proudly shows itself to be.

Don’t offer yourself to the tempting darkness that hides you from the world and feeds on your light; remember that even Hades lord of the dead ventured out of the underworld, looking for his Persephone, broke his own rules, in pursuit of love and joy. Even the powerful Hades crawled out of the safety and comfort of his realm just to feel alive.

So be ready to change and fight the fear to do so, get drunk on the magic of life, nourish that immortal Vivaldi that haunts your dreams, and enjoy your four seasons symphony.  

Yours, Meryem.